Exit Humanity

Posted on May 31, 2012 by

Director: John Geddes

Notable Cast: Mark Gibson, Jordan Hayes, Dee Wallace, Bill Moseley, Stephen McHattie, Brian Cox, Adam Seybold

Rating: R

Review:  Yet another creative entry, yet another Bloody Disgusting Selects presentation.  Zombies and the Civil War…I’m listening.  Wait, no, Zombie Civil War…NOW I’m listening.  Somebody needs to pen that script ASAP.  But for now, I’ll live with John Geddes Southern genre piece with a focus horror fans may not be expecting.  New venues and periods are always welcome in the zombie genre, as sexy coeds can only be munched on so many times before repetition sets in.  So why not break the mold with colonial atmospheres and old-fashion defenses?  No machine guns, flame throwers, landmines, or laser technology for our pioneer cast.  Just the wilderness, outdated survival skills, and the walking dead.  For a casual horror fan, non horror fans, or occasional zombie fans, Exit Humanity stands as tired and dated as comparing the actual Civil War to a battle like D-Day.  Everything we’ve seen before, only on a toned back scale.  But those who can bite into the fleshy core of Exit Human will find a zombie film told only around one man’s harrowing and wretched journey, crafting the plague as a means to discover what makes a true man who he is.  The blood and guts all play background to a wonderful story penned by Geddes and narrated by the stoic Brian Cox, so to call Exit Humanity a slow burn isn’t too far off base.  Slow burn for a zombie movie that is, already considered one of the slower paces found in horror today.  So take the lumbering dead heads, put them in a much less advanced time, and that will be all some people will need to judge Exit Humanity.  Not for everyone, but John Geddes’ script is something horror writers try to do over and over again with zero success.  You go Geddes.

Taking place as the Civil War winds down, Edward Young (Gibson) returns home only to find evil and terror unleashed amongst all.  No longer do the North and South bicker, but a new common enemy has reared its decaying head: zombies.  Killing his wife and scaring away his son, Edward’s homecoming is riddled with sadness.  The lone soldier sets out to locate his boy, taking lingering anger out on the zombies who populate his path.  Along his travels Edward meets a man named Isaac (Seybold), also looking for a missing family member taken hostage by a group of rebels hell-bent on finding a cure to combat the zombie outbreak.  Working together as a reliable team, Isaac and Edward run the forest red with blood as they reach closer and closer to their prize.  But the heartless General Williams (Moseley) is waiting at their finish line, promising to pose quite the problem between his faithful henchmen and warped thinking.  Edward has given up on the notion of humanity as outcomes turn bleaker and bleaker, but does enough fight remain in the worn down being to see Isaac to victory and possibly make a miracle discovery of his own?

Bonus to living miles away from your neighbor?  Miles for your murderers to walk…

So why will some people hate Exit Humanity?  Geddes didn’t create a run and gun zombie movie with flashy special effects and adrenaline ride action, so those in need of constant elevated heart rate are out.  Geddes sets up theatrical acts and walks us through the tumultuous life of Edward Young, dissecting his current state in increments.  As already stated, Brian Cox provides a constant read through, revealing Edward’s inner thoughts as we watch the actions unfold on-screen.  Such a unique voice guides us on a journey through Edwards soul and mind, unlocking the true motivations for his brash outbreaks and reasoning for his sorrow.  It’s one thing to witness a man’s life fall to pieces, but hearing him rationalize sorrow through well thought out journal entries adds a meaningful note to Edward’s character.  Exit Humanity is a character analysis and spends a ton of time developing Edward well beyond horror standards, but the sacrifice there lies with disappointing the horror population not giving a hoot about story.  What is a strength can also be a weakness, depending only on the individual.

A stellar cast also populated Gedde’s undead terrain, crafted expertly I might add to fit timepiece feel and overall colonial style.  Just like being transported to Williamsburg, except instead of annoying tour guides you get chased by flesh hungry monsters!  Another great idea…but back on topic.  Mark Gibson plays title character Edward Young, torn by the harsh realization all hope is lost and life has now become meaningless.  Through fits of rage he expresses true emotion, howling out with pure fury like a mad wolf.  Gibson portrays a broken man, and did so with gusto.  As opposition genre actor Bill Moseley (The Devil’s Rejects/The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2) pops in as General Williams, yet another villainous role to tack on his ever-growing list, convincing yet again as a psychopath.  Not to forget Wallace, Seybold, Hayes, and McHattie though, as everyone pulls together for a watchable brand of horror characterization.  No hack-jobs to be found as our actors bring the past to life, and death to the undead.

It would be a jump to classify Exit Humanity as a “fun” horror watch, but that’s not always a bad thing.  Geddes has created a viable piece of cinema within the boundaries of the horror genre, something deserving recognition.  Hell, I would even go as far to call Exit Humanity artistic.  Our director paints a bloody picture of human worth against a barren canvas, embracing the true definition of humanity.  And don’t worry, not lost are scary zombies and gore so promised by the Bloody Disgusting label.  Edward takes spurts of time out of soul-searching to brutalize some festering walking corpses for our enjoyment, armed with a bashing tool, six-shooter, and bolt-action rifle.  Exit Humanity is a thinking man’s zombie movie in the end though, with themes that stick even after the deeds are done.  Geddes manipulated death and monsters to deliver Edward’s hardened journey, defying odds and battling an onslaught of mental anguish.  Screw the North and the South, John Geddes will rise again after a brilliant debut already garnering comparisons to visionary directors of our time.  Not bad for an independent zombie film.

Final Rating: 7.5 racist zombies out of 10

Not very colorful except for the blood though….

-Natobomb

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NNWIJ: Spaced (1999-2001)

Posted on May 30, 2012 by

Director: Edgar Wright

Notable Cast: Simon Pegg, Jessica Hynes, Nick Frost, Julia Deakin, Mark Heap, Katy Carmichael

Rating: UR

Review:  Life goal: Have a drink with Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and Edgar Wright.  After viewing all their work, how does that not sound like an epic night?  If “Spaced” is any indication, I’d fit right in.  Would have killed for more episodes though.  Such a shame British shows run much shorter season and series lengths, but by golly quality points out why.  Written by nerdist Simon Pegg and ever so bubbly Jessica Hynes, director Edgar Wright’s influence is impossible to ignore and works phenomenally with Pegg’s brain (based off later efforts like Shaun of the Dead/Hot Fuzz) on their early joint TV show project “Spaced”.  Over here in the States we were exposed to Shaun of the Dead first, marking our initial exposure to Pegg and Wright.  Since then the duo have flourished (along with buddy Nick Frost), but getting back to where it all began was somewhat nostalgic.  Not to discredit Jessica Hynes in any way, but she only appears in small cameo’s considering Wright’s other work, so “Spaced” was the launching pad for our guys more than gals.  The story of “Spaced” brings two recently single nobodies together in Daisy (Hynes) and Tim (Pegg) who find a common bond in-house hunting.  After searching to no avail, finally a rentable flat falls under their noses with one tiny catch: it can only be rented to a couple.  So for the sake of living arrangements, Daisy and Tim create a fake relationship for landlord Marsha (Deakin), struggling to keep the truth from escaping.  Antics are had with a loner artist neighbor (Head), Tim’s military obsessed best friend (Frost), and Daisy’s fashionista best-friend Twist (Carmichael).  Antics don’t begin to explain the silliness to follow though, as Pegg plays pretty much exactly who I’d imagine him to be in real life and Hynes plays right into his comedic hand.  Geekish references flood “Spaced” in every scene, and Wright works clever gags into even the quickest shot (the trademark Wright quick cuts).  One of my favorites involves Pegg cowering back with a horrific expression on his face, just as you notice an Evil Dead film poster framed perfectly in the background mimicking Pegg’s exactly reaction…or vice versa how you look at it.  Also, Season 2 starts off with a shot for shot Pulp Fiction nod executed perfectly.  Sly smirk engage.  For the true film fanatic, “Spaced” is an homage filled treat with easter eggs hidden in every scene, bolstered by the love for cinema all involved display.  But again, considering tastes, all these references and side jokes tend to be on the action, sci-fi, horror, and cult film following type side.  An average/simpleton viewer will miss half the comedy itself in these moments, so keep genre in check.  Aside from that though, every single character is an absolute riot.  Pegg’s slacker attitude mixed with high energy make for gut busting rants and top-notch reactionary emotions.  Hynes is just as funny, playing ditzy and oblivious to a tee.  Frost comes in for these really hilarious moments off and on again, playing more of a side character here.  As does Mark Heap, playing the tormented creative soul that is Brian, whose presence typically serves as the cherry on a “Spaced” ice cream sundae via strange social behavior and again bang on facial expressions.  Marsha and Twist round out a cast aided by some noteworthy guest spots along the ride (see how many people you can recognize from recent Wright projects), presenting a tight knit group of characters linked together as charming cast.  All and all: Genius, pure comedic genius.  “Spaced” will always hold a special place in my heart, hitting on areas I personally love, but I implore any one of you to give this quirky sitcom based fun holding wit, spunk, and heart a proper go.  Only passionate lovers of cinema could churn out a love letter like this, as we’re led down one enjoyable/outrageous adventure after the next.  Only fourteen episodes, yet ten times more efficient than any single 20 episode season I’ve seen.

Netflix Rating: 5/5

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Area 407

Posted on May 29, 2012 by

Director: Dale Fabrigar/Everette Wallin

Notable Cast: Samantha Lester, Melanie Lyons, James Lyons, Abigail Schrader, Melanie Lyons, Brendan Patrick Connor, Samantha Sloyan, Ken Garcia

Rating: UR

Review:  Never before have I actually regretted paying to view a film.  Never.  I can even justify bottom barrel bargain bin wastes most of the time based on cheap price.   But 7$ On Demand for Area 407?  Even a Red Box $1 one night rental would be worse than taking a $2 bill and inserting it directly into a shredder.  Did you know Area 407 was shot in 5 days and the actors ad-libbed most lines?  Phew, Ok, I knew there had to be a reason something could be so amateur.  Actually, statement retracted, because that would be an insult to first time directors everywhere.  Area 407 takes the cake on independent horror gone terrifically wrong, trying cash in off of the handheld camera phenomena.  But Fabrigar/Wallin do NOTHING to advance the genre, and instead beat the hell out of overused clichés.  In a nutshell, Area 407 consists of blurred views and characters screaming “WHAT IS THAT!” as they vanish off-screen one by one.  Direction was atrocious offering shallow characters, rambling dialogue, shaky-cam antics, zero build up, and agonizing creature execution.  Every derogatory word to be used against a film fits here: Boring, Tension-less, Predictable, Wit-less, Aggravating, Scare-less, Anti-Attention Grabbing, Flat, Action-less…the list scrolls on.  I respect IFC Midnight for giving lesser known horror films a chance at mass exposure and only hope they continue dredging the horror circuit, but I’m surprised the worst horror film I’m going to see all year was found in their catalogue and not floating about the internet.  My will is strong and I still powered through an excruciating 90 minutes, but Area 407 didn’t deserve a single minute of that unjustified viewing.  Oh I’ll tell you why…

Sisters Trish (Schrader) and Jessie (Lester) board a cross-country flight to LA after a Christmas vacation.  Trish sports a video camera, as the budding pint size documentarian pesters every single passenger on the flight.  While approaching their destination, a patch of turbulence shakes the nerves of those on the plane.  The stewardess attempts to calm her guests, but the turbulence quickly turns from mild to life threatening as the plane starts losing altitude.  Crash landing in what seems to be some desert area, the sisters awake to find a few passengers still alive as well.  Among them are photographer Jimmy (Lyons), Air-Marshall Laura (Lyons), overweight complainer Charlie (Connor), stewardess Lois (Sloyan), and Tom (Garcia).  The group search for help, but discover something is hunting them at the same time.  Survival no longer means just making it home now, as making it home in one piece becomes the new goal.

If I just hide in this turbine…

Alright, let’s get this over with.  Spoilers will absolutely follow.  So where to start with this awful, horrible, no good excuse for media.  First off, the improv aspect.  Works with a comedy like The League, so why not horror, eh?  Because of Area 407, that’s why.   Repetitive lines and inexcusable delivery infected the film like a deadly plague.  You would think such a decision could lead to realistic reactions and moments of actual fear reflected in each performance.  Quite the opposite actually.  Instead we get actors literally stumbling through lines barely mustered up with zero gumption and scene after scene of our confused cast shouting over one another in a fight for screen time.  Honestly, any conversation just turned into distracting uncontrolled chaos even lacking realistic fluidity a normal conversation would possess.  Charlie (Connor) was most annoying in this aspect, playing an unnecessary bad guy who for no reason would lash out at other characters to an extreme extent.  Numerous instances could have used a cut sign from either director as dialogue clumsily pressed on, but poor directorial vision turns Area 407 into a messy, convoluted mish mosh of cardboard characters and zero grade script skills as a result of barley writing one.

Now, what about the horror?  It’s still pretty easy to score jump scares using a first person camera angle as cheap a tactic as that is.  But, Area 407 remained lacking even the smallest scare based on non-existent creature tactics.  You never fully see the beast tracking our survivors, which we assume is a velociraptor based on a quick snout shot and another quick tail glimpse.  But when characters died, the low-budget caused each death to be boring and unimportant, only aided by each character’s unlikable qualities.  Example: Charlie.  Pan to Charlie “I’m just going to the bathroom.”  Random character “Blah blah Blah.”  Turn back to Charlie: Gone.  Seriously?  No blood.  No guts.  Just somebody there and gone.  Every.  Single.  Time.  That is the horror in Area 407.  A quick camera cut.  No gore, no suspense, just here is Charlie: and now he’s gone.  Abra Kadabra!  Wow.  Not to mention, whenever the “creature” showed up, he was a different height and different build.  In ending, a character is killed by the “beast” while its tail is shown above the three food high window placement on an SUV.  Earlier, a silhouette of the head is shown in a house window much higher.   How scared can you really be of a monster who adjusts its height based on the camera angle?   Area 407 plays horribly to every horror aspect, failing to bring out even the easiest bit of enjoyable horror.

Area 407 sucked.  Area 407 sucked on a level not thought suckable.  I timed how long it took for something exciting to happen, and 35 minutes slowly chugged by before there was any looming danger even present.  Thirty-five minutes and all I witnessed was Charlie being a wanker and other characters raising their voices at each other.  Whine whine, bitch bitch, please God make this sh*t end.  Area 407 is the perfect example of exploiting a genre.   Exploiting to the extent of “Hey, here’s something filmed on a camera, it might be what you consider a movie.”  It isn’t.  Watching this piece of garbage bored me to tears, accepting my fate much to early for a film to surrender.  Can’t believe I’m saying this because I feel like I have a knack for digging up a least one golden moment in any film:  I hated Area 407 with every ounce of my soul.  Terrible acting, abysmal direction, vomit inducing cinema, and the worst attempt at watchable entertainment seen in 2012.  But at the end of the day, Dale Fabringer and Everette Wallin have another view and a few more bucks pocketed.  Who’s laughing now, I guess?

Final Rating: 1 terrible velociraptor CGI concoction out of 10

PLEASE GOD!  DON’T WATCH THIS!  FOR ALL THAT IS HOLY!

-Natobomb

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Truth or Dare

Posted on May 25, 2012 by

Director: Robert Heath

Notable Cast:  Liam Boyle, Jack Gordon, Florence Hall, Jennie Jacques, Tom Kane, Jason Maza, David Oakes, Alexander Vlahos

Rating: R

Review:  Turning innocent childhood games into horror tales comes too easy, twisting our youth into something gruesome.  So harmless right?  Truth or Dare:  The bottle lands on you, and the player either incurs embarrassment created by another player or surrenders a long held secret.  So, to mess with your memories, Robert Heath introduced the aspect of death into your favorite sleepover game, penned by Matthew McGuchan.  Truth 0r Dare draws upon torture horror clichés to further an avoidable plot, while young British lives hang in the balance.  To start, house music kicked in during a party scene and all I could think about was “here comes another Demons Never Die….”  Well, Natobomb wasn’t far off.  Just like Demons Never Die, Truth or Dare offers moments of horror excitement while blending in migrane causing plot flaws enough to drive a viewer insane.  My favorite part of Heath’s horror?  Jennie Jacques.  Watch out for this budding British scream queen, dubbed 100% my new celebrity crush as she continues climbing the ranks of female horror actresses in the now such as Danielle Harris and Sheri Moon Zombie.  But sadly, there exists a film outside of watching Jacques, which is begging for some scrutiny.   Sorry Robert, but you’ll probably want a dare option over hearing this hard truth.

At a wild University party, four friends plan to end their semester on a high note.  Paul (Boyle), Chris (Gordon), Eleanor (Jacques), and Gemma (Hall) mix with dealer Luke (Vlahos) to “enhance” their experience (well, the guys at least), and a good time is had by all.  Except socially awkward loner Felix (Kane) that is.  In true love triangle fashion Felix lusts for Gemma, but Gemma dates typical dick Chris.  Finally building up the confidence with a little help from Luke, Felix spills his feels to the blonde sweetheart but to no avail.  Gemma lightly lets him down, keeping him in good spirits and treating him with respect.  Then Eleanor pulls out an empty bottle and starts a rousing game of truth or dare with the entire party.  On Felix’s turn, the timid boy obviously selects truth.  Eleanor’s truth involves Felix picking one girl at the party he would choose to be with for a night, and of course he ends up picking Gemma.  Chris doesn’t take too kindly to the advance, and sucker punches Felix in front of all.  Well, fast forward to after break and the friends are invited to Felix’s wealthy estate for a birthday party.  Greeted by his brother Justin (Oakes), he reveals Felix missed his flight home from Chile and simply forgot to cancel with them.  Offering free food and booze, Justin insists a party still be had.  And then he takes out that fateful bottle, starting a game of truth or dare no player will likely forget…

Nice couples costume pairing?  Dorothy and Hawaiian?

Truth or Dare strives to challenge the confines of tortue horror with fresh presentation,  but leaves cavernous gaps throughout scripting.  I don’t do this often, but spoilers are going to follow as these details have to be shed from my chest.  The mad genius orchestrating chaos (Justin) is an expertly trained British soldier who survived three tours in Afghanistan (I believe), yet can be wrestled down by a lowly drug dealer?  He also trusts one of the characters (Luke) who arrives with the slew of victims as his little patsy, even presenting him with a firing arm which Luke is capable of using to free his “friends” at any time?  Some pretty serious flaws from the mind of a military tactical genius.  Luke is what we like to call a liability, something a true revenge bent psychopath would not tolerate.  Oh and while we’re on Luke, and given the information discovered by those who have indulged cinematically already, why the hell wasn’t Luke knocking Justin off and bolting?  He cradled a gun with three rounds placed at random, so I understand the mentality he has a 50/50 shot of catching the right chamber.  But how many times did Justin leave him alone?  Why was Luke not opening the weapon to reveal where the bullets lay?  Justin may have been a war machine, but impervious to a headshot he is not.  The whole dynamic between Justin and Luke bugged me itself, enough so I could even let Gemma’s antics slide after she bolts.  Truth or Dare was written without much attention being paid to either word, relying too heavily on situation mentalities and providing no focus for the character’s big survival picture.

Performances entertained more than expected cast wise though, which was a pleasant surprise.  Already established is my praise for Jenny Jacques, and Eleanor played to a broader spectrum than just the ditzy damsel in distress.  No, Eleanor goes from suspected side character to devious survivor girl on the flick of a switch.  Jacques dives into some creepy territory towards Truth or Dare’s climax, turning Eleanor into McGuchan’s most interestingly crafted character.  Not to mention there’s an unsettling evil glint in Jacques’s eye, which works perfectly towards Eleanor’s always changing demeanor.  David Oakes played the part of remorseless older brother well at least, even if his character writing was flawed.  Same goes for Alexander Vlahos in his portrayal of Luke.  The rest were just pawns in Justin’s sick game, but acting prevented Truth or Dare from falling into the “sh$tty story, sh*tty acting, sh%tty movie” category.  Somewhat.

Truth:  Yet another horror movie that underperforms due to shoddy plot-lines.  Dare: Argue Heath’s latest effort is the “next big thing.”  I don’t know, maybe because of all the horror films I cram in my skull my expectations are only rising.  Sure, Truth or Dare holds some fun horror moments, but nothing gasp worthy.  Some pools of blood, a dead body here or there…another walk in the park.  Not to mention audience members will be five steps ahead of the script, offering no big reveal as the film twists and turns.  Maybe not to the degree Heath takes it, but blatant foreshadowing generally prevents any suspenseful present to be unwrapped.  Childish fun with regrettable consequences, just like playing Truth or Dare in real life.

Final Rating: 5 truths for every one dare anyway out of 10

Going to assume that one was a dare…..

-Natobomb

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Mother’s Day

Posted on May 23, 2012 by

Director: Darren Lynn Bousman

Notable Cast: Rebecca De Mornay, Jaime King, Shawn Ashmore, Frank Grillo, Patrick Flueger, Warren Kole, Deborah Ann Woll, Briana Evigan, Matt O’Leary, Lyriq Bent

Rating: R

Review:  What better way to end my actual Mother’s Day than renting another straight to DVD Darren Lynn Bousman project.  His last, 11-11-11,  presented an ill-fated attempt at religious/cultist horror which drove viewers away in flocks instead of garnering worshipers, so suffice it to say there was some lingering doubt Mother’s Day would be any more watchable.  But as I sank deeper into Bousman’s re-imagining, blood-red waves of relief washed over me as Mother’s Day made me forget about Darren’s previous apocalyptic debacle.  Bousamn was able to accomplish something special with his recreation of Troma film’s 1980 cult classic of the same name.  Not only was he able to capture the gore and “fun” Troma files were so famous for, but Bousman brought Hollywood flair and respectability where Troma was considered nothing but low quality.  Hence why I avoided using the term re-make when discussing what Bousman did.  Writer Scott Milam took the concept of Mother’s Day and penned a similar story with his own creative touches, then Bousman took the reigns with similar intentions.  I would call Mother’s Day a fresh take on the Troma exploitation of old, easily considered some of Bousman’s best work to date (haven’t had a chance to check out The Devil’s Carnival yet though).

Daniel (Grillo) and Beth (King) Sohapi have recently moved into a new home which was snagged for cheap after a sad foreclosure.  Throwing a party for their closest friends, the couple play host to their guest’s needs.  All except keeping them safe that is.  As fun and games are had, three bank robbing brothers speed towards the last known residence of their beloved mother only to stumble upon the Sohapi party.  Izaak (Flueger) and Addley (Kole) carry their wounded brother Jonathan (O’Leary) and prop him on the couch as Daniel hears commotion upstairs.  He discovers the felons who take control of the house, and within no time turn the party into a hostage situation.  But the worst is yet to come.   After finally reaching his mother, Natalie Koffin (De Mornay) arrives at her old house with daughter Lydia (Woll).  From here, it becomes obvious “Mother” holds the brains in the Koffin family, as she displays every motherly instinct only a Manson could possess.  Natalie brings the phrase “respect your elders” to an unsettling level, just trying to protect her poor young boys.  Sarcasm intended.

“GO TO YOUR ROOM!”  No questions asked…

Well, if Rebecca De Mornay’s daughters see Mother’s Day, I doubt there will be a single disobedience issue dealt with as their mom.  What a phenomenal performance from an actress who could balance Mother’s homely love and violent brutality.  Think Marsha Brady mixed with Jigsaw: just follow the rules and everything will be just fine.  Plus you might get some ice cream out of it!  Mother isn’t fueled by hatred or malice, instead driven by devoted love for her small family of vagrants.  Mother’s emotional dial is set so her reactions are vile, but none come without reason.  Natalie tries to reason with the partygoers and spreads some of her signature tender love and care in an attempt to quell rebellion, but people held at gunpoint are sometimes a bit irrational.  At this moment Mornay unleashes the villainous beast hidden behind her down home generosity, bringing fun out of a dark character.  Prim, proper, but full of fire and brimstone: Mother entrances characters using soft-spoken rationality almost impossible to combat.  Mother’s genuinely unnerving psychotic sweetheart delivery deserves plenty of fear, commanding screen presence with stern tones like only a scornful female figure can.  Rebecca De Mornay gives a bloody good performance as Mama Koffin, a worthy competitor for female mother type killers abroad.  Eat your heart out Mrs. Voorhees, this murderous Mother does her own dirty work.

For every ounce of twisted terror Mornay brings to Mother, Bousman contorts tenfold via gory torture.  The three-time Saw director utilizes his torment knowledge from the past mixed with Saw‘s consistent over the top violence to strive for a full Troma experience, and then some.  Where Troma headmaster Charlie Kauffman focused more on campy tendencies, Bousman keeps a certain respectability about his horror.  The Koffin’s were relatable to true thugs instead of Hollywood bad boys, inventive carnage ruled over simple slashing, and Bousman delivered a much more focused production where 11-11-11 darted a billion places at once.  Hell, the man kept things so realistic police actually broke up a scene mid shot because a real bank was robbed a few miles away during filming and officers were convinced Bousman’s cast were the actually criminals.  Vividly seared into my mind are a few brutal killings still, making Mother’s Day one of the better home invasion films release over the last few years.  Mother’s Day is exactly what Darren needed to boost a falling credibility.

The scary part is, Mother’s Day‘s first cut was wrapped December 11th, 2009.  Yes, it’s 2012 now.  Bousman has been gestating his pride and joy for some three plus years,  and maybe that’s what leant to cleaner success.  Or, maybe we can relate the long shelf life to Hollywood’s dying belief in exploitation and grindhouse horror.  But what scares me is while I love Repo! The Genetic Opera more than most, the latter of Bousman’s Saw films and 11-11-11 prove as blemishes on his directorial record.  I want to consider Mother’s Day a beacon of hope, but 11-11-11 in fact came after production had wrapped.  Barring my verdict on The Devil’s Carnival, Bousman may have a hole to dig out of considering Mother’s Day stands as my favorite in his catalogue to date.  None of that could have been possible without the lovely Rebecca De Mornay though, who embodies the merciless Mother in question.  But don’t count out emerging scream queen Jaime King (The Tripper/My Bloody Valentine/Silent Night), who challenges Mornay as one tough cookie.  Sure, questioning why the group didn’t just bumrush Addley from the beginning who was holding a slow loading shotgun may lead to a slippery slope of mounting plot digust…so just don’t.  Easy, see?  This is one horror movie mommy definitely won’t approve of, unless your mom is into gratuitous violence, hot women, foul language, and a hearty heaping of Bousman imagined gore.  In that case, your mom f#cking rules.

Final Rating: 7.5 new gifts for mom out of 10

Not even a broken tailbone on day 3 of shooting could stop King…

-Natobomb

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The Avengers

Posted on May 18, 2012 by

Director: Joss Whedon

Notable Cast: Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, Mark Ruffalo, Jeremy Renner, Scarlett Johansson, Tom Hiddleston, Clark Gregg, Samuel L. Jackson, Cobie Smulders, Gwyneth Paltrow, Stellan Skarsgård, Paul Bettany

Rating: PG-13

Review:  Hello Marvel, welcome to uber-blockbuster status.  $200.3 million in one weekend?  Yeah, crown a new king after Harry Potter’s record debut weekend of last year.  Harry has a wand?  Yeah, Avengers have a Hulk.  Who didn’t see this coming though?  Marvel has been ramping up to this iconic superhero team master film for years, starting back with Iron Man.  Witnessing every new back story to follow, fanboys and girls alike dreamt of one day seeing each hero fight side by side on a singular screen, but also see each actor participate as well.  First Robert Downey Jr., Edward Norton, and Sammy J all teaming up (Iron Man/Hulk)?  Next, men subsequently salivated over Scarlett Johansson’s addition as Black Widow (Iron Man 2), waiting patiently to get another glimpse of her…erm…skills.  Then add studly Chris Hemsworth (Thor) and equally gorgeous Captain America aka Chris Evans (might have helped the female demographic).  Finally, Marvel rounded out casting with Jeremy Renner signing on as Hawkeye (Thor) and Mark Ruffalo stepping in as the third Bruce Banner in a matter of years (Sorry Edward!).  But most importantly, in my eyes at least, was electing super sci-fi “nerd” type Joss Whedon (Firefly/Buffy/Dr. Horrible/Cabin In The Woods) as visionary master on The Avengers.  Not only does he deserve recognition for his brilliant script work on easily the most intelligent horror film all year (The Cabin In The Woods), but now boasts a successfully epic superhero movie skyrocketing his popularity to household status.  For years fans worshipped Whedon with cult like dedication, and now the mainstream public has 101 reasons to hop on Joss’ bandwagon.  The Avengers was virtually a no fail project, but soared even higher than most expected.  Nothing is faultless, but The Avengers is pretty damn good.

The Avengers marks the first cooperation between the famous team of superheros all found in the Marvel Universe.  While many more heroes are part of this super team, our film focuses on Captain America (Evans), The Hulk (Ruffalo), Iron Man (Downey Jr.), Thor (Hemsworth), Hawkeye (Renner), and Black Widow (Johansson); all brought together by S.H.E.I.L.D director Nick Fury (Jackson).  Loki (Hiddleston) has declared war against Earth, infiltrating a remote S.H.E.I.L.D base and stealing an energy source artifact known as The Tesseract which Professor Erik Selvig (Skarsgård) has been testing in coordination with S.H.E.I.L.D.  With The Tesseract, Loki possesses the power to open a portal to his world and let in a massive Chitauri army bent on ruling Earth.  With options dwindling and time running out, Nick Fury makes the call to green light his Avengers Initiative blueprints and unleash a volatile team powerful enough to protect our world.  After gathering the heroes mentioned above, there is a period of doubts as tensions rise and curiosity gets the better of some minds.  Together the Avengers are capable of fighting armies worthy of total civilization eradication, but their quarrels threaten not only the success of Fury’s plan…as the fate of all mankind hangs in the balance.

I totally dug how Hulk actually looked like Ruffalo when he morphed, mostly seen in facial close-ups…

It’s impossible not to let your inner child take over in seeing all your favorite childhood superheroes brought to life on-screen simultaneously.  Star power was bright enough to blind viewers no matter how the product turned out, but thankfully Whedon and Penn’s script held up to such spectacular players.  When the action throttle is thrown full speed ahead, The Avengers turns into some mile a minute thrill ride that showcases every hero using their unique abilities to the full extent.  Hawkeye executes crazy no look bow and arrow shots, Hulk throws baddies around like rag dolls, Thor harnesses the almighty incendiary power of lightning, Iron Man gadgets henchmen to death, Cap prances around with his usual heroics, and Black Widow sexily dispatches of Chitaurians with top assassination qualities.  Watching the Avengers fight together was a comic book dream come true, all too much child-like fun to ignore.  Not in-depth, but 100% truth.

But, nothing is free in today’s world, and for the glorious second half of Whedon’s endeavor we pay with a rather slow build-up.  The Avengers follows every background story film format before it, using beginning movie segments to introduce story lines and details important to later plot points.  The first half is nothing but a set up, instituted to further later events and create solid ground for the Avengers to push-off of.  Every Marvel film has done so, and The Avengers is no exception.  But as Iron Man 2 showed us, once the background is established free rein can be given for non-stop story and action.  Whedon even delivers this in the final New York battle scene, but only because The Avengers runs two and a half hours long.  Those complaining of slow beginnings and lack of intensity should have expected such in the first place, because no team gels from square one…especially in Hollywood.  Trust had to be earned, personalities had to clash, and drama has to be established before the Avengers could hold hands while gloriously running into battle.  And yes, I understand complaints vocalizing all this inconsequential mumbo jumbo just delayed the inevitable.  I too sympathize and agree Whedon threw a ton of content at us in order to get to the good stuff, but wasn’t it worth it?  Were you not entertained?  Did you not understand the group dynamic tenfold more because of it?  Whedon and Penn turned colorful comic book panes into real characters with human emotions and earthly personas.  Time and patience is required to nurture creativity, and this script birthed full-fledged characterizations.  It was foolish to believe as soon as film started we would witness the Avengers assemble immediately.  Only those with unrealistic expectations will be let down by Marvel’s supergroup adaptation.

Like every good first Marvel film in a franchise, words cannot describe how overly stoked I am for The Avengers 2.  My mind races feverishly going through the catalogue of unmentioned heroes and villains who can possibly star or cameo in the sequel, one of which we already know (STAY DURING THE CREDITS).  Whedon himself throws little hints to missing Avenger members, which makes a great drinking game if you can sneak in a flask of [insert favorite alcoholic beverage] into your local theater.  One I’ll give away for those of you hidden under a rock oblivious to Marvel movie news: Ant Man.  But not just Ant Man.  An Edgar Wright (Shaun of the Dead/Hot Fuzz/Scott Pilgrim vs. the World) Ant Man I can only pray is played by Simon Pegg or Nathan Fillion.  The Avengers endurance test first half sets itself up for glory, and our heroes drive home a phenomenal second half performance sealing some awe-inspiring moments.  Joss Whedon has taken the Marvel formula and injected it with Super Soldier Serum, exposed it to massive doses of gamma rays, and harnessed the almighty God of Thunder’s power to bring us a comic book film not fit for this puny world.  But one question: who cleans up a rubble filled New York City with dead alien creatures laying across skyscrapers?  Not it!

Final Rating: 8.5 destroyed landmarks out of 10

And Nick Fury is still my favorite character….the man with the plan…

-Natobomb

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Dark Shadows

Posted on May 16, 2012 by

Director: Tim Burton

Notable Cast: Johnny Depp, Michelle Pfeiffer, Helena Bonham Carter, Eva Green, Jackie Earle Haley, Jonny Lee Miller, Bella Heathcote, Chloe Grace Moretz, Christopher Lee

Rating: PG-13

Review:  Remember when Tim Burton’s name used to mean something come opening day for a film?  Sure, his box office numbers still reach inflated levels of accomplishment, but the quality of his films continue justifying those numbers less and less.  Dark Shadows only furthers that trend, as Burton dusts off Dan Curtis’ gothic vampire tale which was televised from 1967 – 1971, and spins his iconic pseudo-creepy/quirky charm around another misguided tale.  Pick comedy or drama Tim; what’s the point of incorporating both when you can’t pull either off?  Dark Shadows was a bi-polar failure on all accounts, momentarily delivering bouts of sympathetic laughter accompanied by unenchanted storytelling worthy of no excitement.  I know Burton has enough talent to build darkness into a fun story, displayed by my recent re-viewing of Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, but Dark Shadows was a fluffy vampire story too comfortable basking in deadly sunlight.  And yes, maybe it was supposed to be mainly comedic after all?  But if that was the case, the non-existence of any uproarious laughter, belly laughs, chuckles, or even a snide smirk should be a proper example of just how funny Seth Grahame-Smith’s story turned out.  Sure, there were a few flamboyant successes considering production on Burton’s lackluster reboot, but those could be forgotten by glaring downfalls.  Downfalls so bright, Dark Shadows should be burned to a crisp instantaneously once that first problematic beam scorches its pasty white skin.  Back to the shadows where you belong!

For those old enough to be familiar with Curtis’ after school TV show, you know the characters already.  But for those who don’t, Dark Shadows centers around a vampire named Barnabas Collins (Depp) who is freed from his prison grave to restore the Collins family name.  Why is he a vampire you may ask?  In 1752, the Collins family sailed to Maine in hopes of developing a brand new fishing industry.  Two decades later, the family was renown around the town of Collinsport (a town named after themselves) and resided atop a mountain overlooking the city which sported their lavish mansion.  Barnabas wins over the affection of a servant named Angelique (Green), but breaks her heart when he denies his reciprocal love.  Angelique turns out to be a witch, kills his parents, kills his true love Josette (Heathcote), curses Barnabas into an undead vampire life, and has him locked in a coffin buried deep in the woods.  Skip ahead to 1972, and Barnabas is released.  Returning home, he’s greeted by show runner Elizabeth Collins (Pfeiffer) who exclaims the family status is in ruins after new fishing company Angel Bay stole all profits.  Barnabas promises to return the Collins family to glory once again, but complications arise when Angelique shows herself as the owner of Angel Bay, putting Barnabas in a sticky situation.  Armed with his Victorian sensibilities and knowledge gap of about 200 years, Barnabas teaches the new Collins’ some old tricks while learning how to adapt in a brand new society.  A vampire, running a fishing company?  Isn’t that crazy?!

Oh look, Johnny Depp is playing an eccentric gentleman with a British accent.  Really expanding his horizons…at least he’s a vampire this time?

Dark Shadows was a dreadful waste of time in the story department, filled with characters and events that didn’t add up to shite.  Jonny Lee Miller plays quite the fantastic scumbag when given the chance, but Smith’s script never gives Roger Collins the proper time to transform into an opposing force for Barnabas while story lines so desperately hinted at the notion.  In the blink of an eye Miller’s character is whisked away, puzzling audience members why the blonde womanizer even had to exist at all.  Roger’s subtraction from Collinsport would have meant zero major changes concerning Dark Shadows, portraying one of the many faults script wise.  Another example points to Helena Bonham Carter’s characterization of Dr. Julia Hoffman, the psychiatrist obsessed with Barnabas.  Her alcoholism comedy was stale, her story arc was obvious, and all other interactions were useless.  Her actions had no major implications story wise, making the doctor forgettable…plain and simple.  Depp does nothing to surprise at this point either, bringing all too familiar antics to his vampire Barnabas.  Johnny Depp as a vampire, need I say more?  Yet delivery and century gap jokes run old rather quick as Barnabas reacts to modern technology using primitive explanation.  Why doth thou runnest said joke directly penetrating soft soil betwixt thou’s toes?  Depp charms and dazzles as always, but this time with a little more blood sucking introduced.

But, alas there are positives to be found.  Set design blew me away as always with Burton, capturing old-time architecture erected via Collinwood Manor.  Every little lavish detail and elegant intricacy brought life to the gloomy manor, at least giving viewers something fancy to gander upon.  Costume and makeup also get their own kudos for transporting us effortlessly to both the 1700s and the 1970s, fitting characters like Barnabas down to the smallest detail in prime period wear.  Colors popped vibrantly off the big screen, from Dr. Hoffman’s hair to squirting red blood.  On a scale rating presentation quality of terrible films, lets just say King Midas himself couldn’t have pushed out a prettier turd.  And oh yeah, costumes on Eva Green fit just perfectly…just another pat on the back to our Hollywood tailors.

I barely laughed, I didn’t cry…I didn’t feel much at all honestly after Dark Shadows ended.  Frankly, Burton gave us a reboot no one was particularly asking for.  In doing so, he proved exactly WHY no one clamored for a new Dark Shadows except for the 50-60 year old vampire enthusiasts petitioning on this blasted contraption called the interwebs.  Alice Cooper is how old?  And his appearance still managed to outshine any other scenes tremendously.  There’s something to be said when a film contains the likes of Michelle Pfeiffer, Eva Green, Jackie Earle Haley, and Chloe Grace Moretz; yet none are mentioned character wise my entire review.  Dark Shadows should be damned to another 200 year imprisonment without trial, protecting generations to come from convoluted genre mashing and ineffective horror.  Oh, and with the ending in mind, so help me if a Dark Shadows 2 emerges from blackness.  I’m more terrified more at that prospect than I was during all hour and a half worth of movie.  The horrors, the horrors….

Final Rating: 4.5 cheeky vampires out of 10

I would go Vamp for that…

-Natobomb 

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