The Expendables 2

Posted on August 31, 2012 by

Director: Simon West

Notable Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Liam Hemsworth, Randy Couture, Chuck Norris, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Nan Yu

Rating: R

Review:  Longest.  Casting.  List.  Ever.  Jeez, I think I ran my word count out already just listing every action star Stallone could convince to pop in for a quick gun fight.

So here we are, reviewing a film with quite possibly the greatest action hero line-up in history.  There’s no doubt The Expendables 2 was set up for glory, but with so much hype surrounding nothing but nostalgic casting choices, one had to be nervous proper due diligence would be done as well to support the local talent.  The Expendables itself left much to be desired, but that was the past baby.  The Expendables 2 was everything I wanted and more, being nothing but enjoyable blockbuster fun served via heaping helpings of testosterone exploiting fun, fully embracing the B-Movie action genre and going for nothing but balls to the wall action.  Director Simon West (Con Air/The Mechanic) proved and invaluable resource in setting up extravagant shoot outs and pummeling fight scenes, challenging Con Air for silly ensemble cast beat-em up glory.  Every minute outdid the last, every explosion out blew the previous, every punch packed a harder whallop…you get my drift.  The Expendables 2 is hands down summer 2012′s quintessential blockbuster hit, providing unmitigated entertainment no soul can deny.  Even just thinking back on the film, I feel like someone just injected me with a syringe full of raw red meat, crushed up dumbbells, a fully lit cigar, and the blood of John f#cking Wayne himself.  The Expendables 2 is nothing but an action-gasm of epic proportions.  Think that quote will make the DVD cover?

So the plot, or what little plot there is, goes as follows – correct me if I’m wrong:  A team of mercenaries, called the Expendables – made up of Rambo, Chev Chelios, Cheeseburger Eddy, a tiny martial arts master, a UFC fighter, and the lesser known Hemsworth brother – all kick some ass on a deadly mission, returning home for a nice break.  Interrupting their vacation, John McClane shows up and apparently Rambo owes him a favor, so The Expendables promptly have to carry out a secret mission to even out Rambo’s debt.  They even have to bring a girl along, something the group fears on account of the impending cootie outbreak Rambo temps fate with by letting her along.  Of course things don’t go as planned, as Colonel Guile from Street Fighter shows up and steals what goods the Expendables were supposed to return to John McClane.  Guile even kicks the group while their down, quickly getting on their bad side.  What comes next is Rambo’s declaration of war against Colonel Guile, chasing him all around Bulgaria just to get even.  The body count rises as the Expendables carry out their traveling tour of destruction, even getting some help from the Terminator and Walker Texas Ranger.  I’m pretty sure that’s how it went down, and if not, close enough!

Chuck Norris doesn’t join your movie, you join Chuck Norris’ life.

From a storyboard standpoint, The Expendables 2 is nothing to write home about.  Based on your most basic revenge themes, Barney Ross (Stallone) and his group of warriors run through the usual motions, leaving cinematic twists and turns for more ambitious films.  Dialogue was also at a laughable minimum, when characters weren’t quoting their old movies that is, as the real thought of the film was put elsewhere.  Hell, when Stallone and Dolph have a conversation, they might as well have been just grunting and pounding their chests in an animalistic display of power.  The inaudible mumblings evoked nothing but laughter, as viewers didn’t really care how their exchange would forward the “story,” but these glaring shortcomings only exemplify just how monstrously indulgent the more entertaining and visual aspects of West’s film were created.

When it comes down to it, The Expendables 2 takes everything fun about the action genre, diverts all its efforts into making those aspects explosively dynamic, and just fills the rest in with hokey gags and head-shaking one liners, aka everything we love about our action heroes.  West’s sequel is everything we wanted The Expendables to be, plus everything else we could only dream.  Watching the group of badasses galavant around with gigantic weaponry and souped up vehicles while blowing entire countrysides to sh*t was everything an action junkie could dream of, and come on, the casting made it all too delectible.  Every time an actor like Norris or the Governator entered a scene, chills would tingle up and down your spine, as the film made perfect use of every single star, and each actor had a blast with their part.  Sure, Stallone’s battle with Stone Cold in The Expendables may have been a little more brutal, but the wow factor of watching Stallone match up with Van Damme was like a fantasy scenario.  Norris’ entrance is another great example of one of those “AWWW YEAHHH” moments, strolling down a war-torn street after single-handedly going berserker on a whole army of militants, and a freakin’ tank for good measure.  Badassery, your name is Chuck Norris, aviators and all.

High-octane action, countless bullets, massive explosions, phallic jokes about big guns, war-time banter, beautifully choreographed fight sequences (looking at Statham’s holy beatdown)…I was grinning with excitement for the film’s entirety.

That’s the message to take away from The Expendables 2.  Go in for the action, go in for the cast, go in for the prospects – but don’t expect anything else.  Not every film has to be in contention for Best Screenplay, as long as the other supporting elements are carefully attended to.  Simon West’s strong vision helps The Expendables 2 surpass all expectations of summer blockbuster monotony, proving not every big budget flick is all for show.  The Expendables 2 is full of heart, it’s just found in different places than other films, like laying on the ground next to the corpse of henchman #3,496…exactly where we want it.

Final Rating 8 Stallone mutterings out of 10

Awesomeness, awesomeness everywhere…

-Natobomb

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NNWIJ: Don’t Go Into The Woods (2012)

Posted on August 29, 2012 by

Director: Vincent D’Onofrio

Notable Cast: Matt Sbeglia, Jorgen Jorgensen, Soomin Lee, Casey Smith

Rating: R

Review:  Well we certainly don’t get a plethora of musical slashers films (or smasher films as I should call this one), but actor Vincent D’Onofrio has decided to give it a whirl.  Filmed on his own woodland property in Woodstock, NY, the D’Onofrio scripted/Sam Bisbee scored Don’t Go Into The Woods awaited my viewing until the free option on Netflix became available, and for good reason.  With a cast of unknowns and a sledgehammer wielding stalker, there’s not much to love about the tongue in cheek self aware musicians who foolishly ignore the title of their own movie.

Following a band on the verge of signing their first record deal, group leader Nick (Sbeglia) convinces his mates a secluded trip into a quiet wooded area will provide the tranquility proper song writing takes.  Just when the band thinks they’re alone though, their devout groupies show up to party with the band.  Nick becomes furious with the time being wasted, but quickly learns those are the least of his worries.  As groupies start missing one by one, everyone starts to realize they may not be the only ones out in the woods, foreshadowing a quick end for Nick’s poor band.

What killed a lot of momentum for me surrounded out-of-place musical numbers and overly self-aware lyrics, stealing any mystery and suspense D’Onofrio could have established.  I’m sorry, but you lose me when victims are crawling away from the killer, singing perfectly while in excruciating pain.

D’Onofrio does manage to muster the atmosphere of a cheesy 80s slasher, but never actually does anything with it.  There is absolutely no terror to be found as our killer – aka dude in a trench coat with black spandex to cover his face – did most of his damage off screen, and would just jump into scenes and jump out seconds later.  There was absolutely no horror to be found, leaving nothing but a bloody sing along played out by inexperienced actors.  Hope you like acoustic indie alt-rock!

While a valiant effort at something different, D’Onofrio was focused more on the music than making something truly horror worthy.  While some of the songs were catchy enough to entertain, the overusing of self-aware hints became somewhat of a chore, failing to excite via any medium.

Next time I go camping, I think I’ll be leaving the old six string at home.

Netflix Rating: 2/5

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NNWIJ: Deep Red (1975)

Posted on August 28, 2012 by

Director: Dario Argento

Notable Cast:  David Hemmings, Daria Nicolodi, Gabriele Lavia

Rating: R

Review:  Ok, I know I’m about to commit horror fan blasphemy, but after watching Dario Argento’s Suspiria, the word “underwhelmed” rolled off my tongue.  I know, I know, Argento was a huge influence on the genre and a classical genius, but I was expecting so much more.  Be it outdated effects, shoddy audio quality, and general lacking in intensity, I wasn’t hooked.  But when my favorite horror website Bloody Disgusting released a list of movies that every horror fan has to see, you’re damned right I made it my mission to check off every single one, because I scored embarrassingly low for a cinema fan who brags the horror genre as his most knowledgable.  I realized my shortcomings existed in old school horror though, and with Deep Red right on my Netflix Watch Instantly menu, I decided to revisit Argento’s work and start my horrific journey.  It’s a good thing too, because Deep Red gave Argento new life in my eyes, peaking my interest and readying me to power through his entire collection.

Telling the story of a psychic who is murdered after a public appearance and the simple pianist (Hemmings) who gets caught up in the investigation after witnessing her murder, our amateur detective soon fears for his own life as his leads start being axed off one by one.  It’s a taught thriller full on ingenuity based on such a random scenario, but Argento’s story still remains relevant in today’s horror world, something lost on Suspiria I believe.

What transpires is a culmination of numerous brilliant parts – from fantastic horror acting by Hemmings and Lavia (amongst others), a far superior soundtrack provided by frequent collaboratoring musical group The Goblins, a ghastly brutal account of raw attacks carried out by the killer, and a challenging story thought up by Argento which makes the most of intricate details.  Hemmings’ character could have been an everyday Joe who just witnessed a murder, but Argento’s care in each personality builds a vibrant life around each one, giving the film a unique flame.  As for the gore, I like to think I have a pretty serious tolerance after indulging in films like Saw and Hostel, but Argento actually had me cringing at how gritty and maliciously violent any horror encounter turned out.  Mix that with Argento’s masterful use of tension squeezing set ups which have us holding our breath, and you’ve got one special horror watch.  We’re thirty plus years from Deep Red‘s release, yet new horror directors still fail to achieve proper tones which are required to truly spookify the audience, something Argento did with minimal special effects realism and vastly inferior technology.

Deep Red: An oldie, but a goodie!

Netflix Rating: 4/5

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Ted

Posted on July 28, 2012 by

Director: Seth MacFarlane

Notable Cast: Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, Seth MacFarlane, Joel McHale, Giovanni Ribisi, Patrick Stewart

Rating: R

Review:  Seth MacFarlane’s big screen debut was only a matter of time, but the question at least on this critic’s mind pondered if the boundary pushing funny man could break away from “Family Guy” fame.  So in order to do so, it only figures he starts with a smart talking teddy bear that sounds exactly like Peter Griffin.  Great.  After watching the first trailer all my brain could process was “Peter Griffin has turned into a talking stuffed animal and Ted will be nothing more than an hour and a half long episode of “Family Guy” itself.”  And you know what?  Ted was freaking hilarious.  I’m a huge “Family Guy” fan myself, MacFarlane’s humor is right up my alley, and Ted is a raunch romp into the sick and twisted mind of Seth MacFarlane himself.  In the immortal words of Arizona Cardinal’s coach Dennis Green – “Ted was who we thought it was!”

Seriously, Ted is about a regular Boston guy named John Bennett (Wahlberg) who lives with the animated version of his childhood teddy bear.  When John was just a little lonely boy, he wished his favorite stuffed teddy bear would come to life.  This is where Ted (MacFarlane) comes in.  Coming to life after his dream comes true, Ted grows up along with John and stays his best pal to the end.  Now a middle-aged slacker, John still lives with his best bud Ted while trying to keep a relationship with girlfriend Lori (Kunis) afloat.  Lori is becoming more fed up with Ted’s bad influence and negative habits, blaming Ted for John’s lack of motivation.  John has a tough decision to make when Lori makes her boyfriend choose between her and his beloved teddy bear, creating conflicting emotions in the going nowhere bum.  Can John put his childhood behind?  Or will Ted forever influence the life of an adult.

Hmmm…I wonder what toy I would have brought to life if I could….

So this review doesn’t even have to be that long.  If you like “Family Guy,” you’re going to love Ted.  The cuddly teddy bear is a Peter Griffin incarnate, except he can get away with saying even dirtier lines because he’s the main character in a feature film.  Not a bad deal, right?

Well, there are some flaws.  I felt like Seth MacFarlane abused his “no holds barred” medium to incorporate the most inappropriate and offensive jokes possible just for sh*ts and giggles.  Too many times I was left speechless and unfazed by an ill-fated joke, wondering how it even made the script.  A perfect example would point out the numerous attempts to include a useless 9/11 joke, falling flat every single friggin’ time.  It’s one thing to push boundaries and create a unique style of comedy, but at times Ted felt only like an exercise in stupidity and exploitation.  But not in a good way.  In a childish “Hey Mom, look what I can do!” kind of way.

More surprising yet another one of Marky Mark’s successful comedy outings after scoring gold with Will Ferrell in The Other Guys.  Proving his previous cop comedy wasn’t a lucky fluke, Wahlberg was a hilarious companion for his foul-mouthed toy.  Kunis worked herself into the cast quite nicely as well, but again the centerpiece of this hilarious escapade is Ted himself.  You could have substituted any random couple to play support for MacFarlane and achieved the same result if we’re being honest.

So what won me over so quickly?  Ted starts out with Patrick Stewart’s hilarious narration over a playful snow-covered holiday scene, as MacFarlane cleverly sets the tone as a heart warming childhood tale.  Paired with Stewart’s voice, the combination seems perfect.  Then, out of left field we’re hit with one of Seth’s usual curveball anecdotes and from there we’re off to the races.  Just for a split second you question MacFarlane’s motives and delivery, but the crass jokester wastes little time giving everyone what they expect.

It’s true, Ted is nothing but mindless fun.  If you require a bit of intelligence to your comedy or need to be challenged by cinema, well you made your way into the wrong theater.  But then again, what the hell were you doing there in the first place?  Everyone knows what “Family Guy” is and everyone know’s MacFarlane’s reputation, so anyone expecting anything BUT gutter comedy seriously deserves a slap to the back of the head.

Filled to the brim with every type of offense material imaginable, Ted is the definition of a popcorn comedy.  But what more can you ask for?  People wanted McFarlane to transition onto the silver screen, so he gifted us with a teddy bear suited perfectly for the “Family Guy” universe.  God, Mark Wahlberg and a talking teddy bear do coke with Flash Gordon!   What the hell else do you need in a comedy?  Giovanni Ribisi doing his best pedophile impression and dancing seductively to crappy pop music?!  Oh yeah, Ted has that too.

If you’re going to see Ted for an Oscar worthy script and Daniel Day Lewis type acting, then go sit in the corner and wear the cone of shame.  Ted is hilarious for all the right reasons, even if MacFarlane still tries to use some of the wrong ones.

Final Rating: 7 Teddy Ruxpins out of 10


Alright, Wahlberg and the bear actually had some hilarious chemistry.  Won’t lie.

-Natobomb

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NNWIJ: Cold Fish (2010)

Posted on July 7, 2012 by

Director: Shion Sono

Notable Cast: Mitsuru Fukikoshi, Asuka Kurosawa, Denden

Rating: R

Review:  Dude, Japanese cinema is some crazy stuff but man can they command a story infused with demented fun despite running over two hours.  Cold Fish delves into the crazy underground game of tropical fish sales…yes apparently there is a seedy backstory in Japan for this market…and follows lowly store owner Mr. Syamoto (Fukikoshi) as he’s taken under the wing of superstore rival store owner Mr. Murata (Denden).  As Mr. Murata involves Mr. Syamoto more in his daily activities, the meek Syamoto starts to realize Mr. Murata may be involved in far more than just some back room deals.  Mr. Murata literally cuts his way through the competition with Syamoto as his timid accomplice, slowly manipulating Syamoto to carry out his bidding.  But as time goes on strange feelings stir inside Mr. Syamoto, absorbing the energy Mr. Murata has been expressing.  This is where Cold Fish grabs you and refuses to let go, as you watch Mr. Syamoto inevitably spiral directly down a drain of madness.  The charismatic and vivacious Mr. Murata, played eerily believable by Denden, is a monster psychopath through and through, but remains a delight to watch in doing so. With an enchantingly sinister screen presence, Denden achieves horror through twisted mentality and a brutally violent God complex tainting his view on reality.  Mr. Syamoto is disturbed and horrified at first, but as he slowly starts to turn a dark metamorphosis takes place thrusting Mr. Syamoto into his own realm of madness.  Character dynamics between both characters are off the chart, as Sono’s sinister screenplay dances a line too offensive for some.  But in order to achieve horror greatness boundaries must be pushed, and Cold Fish is chock full of harsh depictions of sex and remorseless killing so graphic some will be immediately turned off.  That is a promise.  But those who can make it through Mr. Syamoto’s character evolution will be treated to some wild psychological horror and a full circle transformation worth every minute.  Oh yeah, Cold Fish totally deserves that Bloody Disgusting stamp of approval.

Netflix Rating: 4/5

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NNWIJ: Atrocious (2010)

Posted on July 2, 2012 by

Director: Fernando Barreda Luna

Notable Cast: Cristian Valencia, Clara Moraleda, Chus Pereiro

Rating: R

Review: 2011′s answer to cult hit Paranormal Activity?  Now THAT’S Atrocious.  See what I did there?  C’mon Bloody Disgusting Selects, you’re better than this.  One of the first movies supported by BDS, Atrocious boldly goes where every hack director trying to capitalize on the whole first person camera fad has already ventured.  I admit, Luna creates a creepy atmosphere and had me holding my breath at times, but Atrocious concludes too predictably and suddenly for my tastes.  Following two meddling kids trying to provide video evidence supporting an urban legend possibly haunting the woods of their summer vacation home, Cristian (Valencia) and Clara (Moraleda) are never without their cameras.  But when their hunt starts to become dangerous, our siblings may wish they just listened to their parents and stayed out of Garraf’s woods.  And so do we.  Entirely too much time is spent listening to either camera operator breathe heavily or scream loudly, pointing the camera frantically around shouting explicative terms seemingly forever.  For a good five minutes straight we watch Cristian do this, growing weary of his dull midnight jog with no end in sight.  Atrocious also could have used a little contrast update, as some scenes were so dark it was impossible to make out if the kids were even indoors or outdoors.  I had all the lights off in my basement just so my eyes could adjust, yet I still strained trying to pick out a familiar face or landmark.  Luna at least ends his film with a mutilated mess, but we never actually see any of the disgusting acts on-screen.  Just flashes of the crime scene photos taken after.  This plays to Atrocious‘ lack of excitement, as more often than not we just watch characters walk about a maze of foliage complaining about being lost.  We didn’t even get a jump scare or two in an attempt to be kept on edge, losing interest before even reaching full climax.  Just a whole lot of dogs barking, people running, kids screaming, and an all too short ending visible miles away.  It’s a good thing I waited so long for this watch as so many other titles blow Atrocious out of the water.  Still not as bad as first person bottom dog Area 407 though, so take that tiny victory to the bank Fernando.

Netflix Rating: 2/5

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NNWIJ: Battle Royale (2000)

Posted on June 21, 2012 by

Director: Kinji Fukasaku

Notable Cast: Takeshi Kitano, Tatsuya Fujiwara, Aki Maeda

Rating: UR

Review:  Took long enough for Kinji Fukasaku’s hauntingly engrossing “fight to the death” picture to be freely distributed in the US.  Of course, I did whatever I could years ago to get my hands on a copy of Battle Royale, but it’s time all those Hunger Games groupies bow down to a superior pint-sized royal rumble flick.  You think Katniss and Peeta had it rough?  How about putting an explosive time limit on The Hunger Games, making all the competitors school room friends, ramping up weaponry, and having the games represent an all too horrifically sensible way to compensate for overpopulation?  Battle Royale is the story of a 9th grade class which is selected to participate in a yearly death match, crowning a winner and lone survivor.  Each student is given a random bag containing weaponry and rations, enough to cover their three-day time limit.  If no winner is crowned by the deadline, specially designed collars placed around each child’s neck explode and all remaining contestants are eliminated.  Some students embrace the sick nature of Battle Royale while others try to escape the island in peace, but insane showrunner Kitano-sensei (Kitano) is there to make sure all rules are followed.  In other words, sit back and watch while young teens murder one another!  No, OK, Battle Royale isn’t as depraved and senseless as that comment makes it out to be, yet a dark envisioning of a future where humanity has lost touch with all reality, pitting adults versus children.  But enough with the Hunger Games/Battle Royale comparisons at this point.  Indie film hipsters have been ranting and raving how Suzanne Collins’ novel and in turn Gary Ross’ film were a blatant rip off of Fukasaku’s Japanese film, wussing it out for a broader audience.  Well allow me to retort.  How many spy thrillers or gangster stories mirror the same plots, just with the details altered?  Does every single film in history have it’s very own original plot?  I still loved The Hunger Games, full of vibrant creations and a unique style setting it aside from Battle Royale, yet my tastes lay more with the uber realistic action focused piece sporting much more gritty violence from the young warriors (Battle Royale).  That doesn’t mean I have to bash Hunger Games for having a similar plot.  Collins’ doesn’t claim her story is the first of its kind either.  The films are separate entities, but getting to watch Battle Royale again did remind me how much more ass Fukasaku’s rendition kicks.  Pedal to the metal balls out action is made more vicious knowing just hours ago these kids were seemingly innocent and harmless, and a realistic feel scares even more.  Positively reviewing a film like this almost seems sadistic, but it’s hard to argue the masterpiece status of Battle Royale.  What should have been another Japanese B-Movie laughfest slaughters the competition, and deserves all the A+ acclaim garnered.  Foreign film fans, action buffs, dystopian future lovers, and creative cinema seekers alike need to add Battle Royale into their number 1 Watch Instantly slot this instant.  It’s that good.  But if the thought of 9th grade children being forced to slay each other makes you squeamish, stay in your happy little world and run far, far away.  Battle Royale may be hard to watch, but is surely something special.

Netflix Rating: 5/5

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